


Why Can’t I Turn off the Radio?

by bittersweet_sacrifice



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Character Death, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Or fluff, Slow To Update, Treebros, but i can’t really write angst, how do you even write a summary, i started writing this at 3 am, kind of ooc, this is sad y’all, what am I supposed to tag, yeet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 23:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18486658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bittersweet_sacrifice/pseuds/bittersweet_sacrifice
Summary: Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy, two seventeen year old boys were what you’d probably consider an odd pair. And they were.They were.





	1. Life Goes On

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfic I’ve posted anywhere, I originally posted it on Quotev. It’s pretty bad, but it’s better than the original stories I’ve written. Try to enjoy it.

Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy, two 17 year old boys were what you’d probably consider an odd couple. And they were.

They  _were._

Connor Murphy had killed himself and Evan had been absolutely devastated. His boyfriend, and best friend, was dead.

His mother, Zoe, even Alana and Jared had tried to console him, but all of them failed. He still laid on his bed, crying softly, remembering everything that had happened between the two of them.

He heard the sound of his mother’s footsteps coming towards his room. She stopped when she reached the door, and opened it enough to perk her head in

”Sweetie, are you alright?” Heidi asked worriedly.

Evan sniffed and muttered a response, “Yeah, mom.”

”Okay, honey. You know you can talk to me if you want to.”

”I know.”

And with that she closed Evan’s door and retreated back to her own bedroom.

When she left, Evan sighed and buried his face into his pillow. He didn’t care anymore. He let his tears wet his face and the pillow.

He eventually wore himself out and fell asleep.


	2. I Should’ve Helped

Evan awoke with a start. He’d dreamt that Connor was still alive and perfectly healthy. But sadly, dreams and reality aren’t the same things.

When he realized he was still in his own bed, and that Connor was still dead, he let his head fall back on his pillow.

He thought of what he could’ve done to help his lover, to make him not feel so... left out, to just make him feel a little bit better.

He began to talk to himself, sobbing between words.

”I-I’m sorry... I c-could’ve done something. I should have... I should’ve helped. God, I’m such an idiot... I-“

He couldn’t continue, in a lot of situations he’d just end up rambling on about whatever, but this time he just couldn’t. He felt like he was going to burst from the colossal amount of sadness and grief he felt in his heart.

But he had to try and move on. That’s what people did when their loved ones died, right? Evan wasn’t sure. He figured that most people probably tried to move past what happened and just live their lives normally.

But he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to continue on with his life knowing the one person he’d truely come to love was dead. So he wouldn’t. I mean, he’d lost not only a loved one, but his lover. And what’s the point of living if the person you’d saved all your love for died? You couldn’t take that love back from someone who’d already passed on, or even really from someone who’s still alive.

And it’s not like anyone would care if he killed himself. Jared wasn’t really his friend, Alana barely knew he existed, and Zoe only even knew him because he was dating her brother. But what would his mother think? She probably wouldn’t even know, what with her being gone half of the time.

He didn’t truly matter to any of them.


	3. Let It Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who’s read and left kudos on this. i truly appreciate it and i honestly wasn’t expecting to get any more than 10 hits. again, thank you all

Evan sat back up and slid off of his small bed. He wandered towards his closet and opened the door. There, in a shoebox, lay a letter.

Evan had read over the sheet of paper too many times to count. But reading it again wouldn’t hurt... Physically, at least.

_“I’m sorry._

_To everyone who believed in me, I apologize profusely._

_You didn’t deserve seeing me in turmoil. You didn’t deserve to be affected by my negativity. It hurt me even more, knowing what I put you through. The way you looked at me—afraid, helpless, hopeless. The way I stared back into your eyes, defeated._

_Don’t be angry because this was nothing personal. Know that I’m gone because I chose to do so. For once I finished something I started. For once I was brave enough to go through with something risky and dangerous._

_Don’t be disappointed. I didn’t give up, no, on the contrary, all I ever wanted was a reason to persevere. All I ever wanted was to really live, but I didn’t know how._

_All of you always did (and still do) such an excellent job at living, and I was happy for every one of you. Your lit up, elating smiling faces made me smile, although it broke my heart all at once. I felt bad and guilty because you loved me. I tried numerous times to push you away, to make you un-love me so I could take the plunge quicker. My attempts always failed. Your compassion pained me as much as it consoled me. I often wished that having you in my life, and all the other privileges I had was enough, but I could never find what I was looking for. Perhaps it didn’t even exist._

_I believe in a higher entity, but I don’t think he likes me too much. I think he often looks down and cringes, embarrassed that he molded a mistake. Maybe I’m in hell right now, but you all knew I never believed in hell. The concept was created to keep us on track, and motivate us to do good. What if Earth is hell? It sure felt that way._

_What if everything we wanted was actually nothing? What if everything we wanted was actually nothing? What if all the things we think are tangible, are actually figments of our imagination? What if life is is actually death, and when we die we are truly alive? Wouldn’t that make more sense?_

_For if this is life, surely some of us wouldn’t inexplicably yearn for death so badly?_

_But who said death had to be this morbid. If you’re crying, please stop. What if my death is a glorious celebration? Could you celebrate it for me? Could all of you dance, and sing my favorite songs around my soulless body?_

_Again, please don’t cry. Don’t mourn. Don’t grieve. I am happy now. Happy. Truly happy. Believe this._

_I love you.”_

_-Connor M._

By the time he’d finished reading, he could feel tears running tracks down his face. Worried about getting the letter wet, he set it back in the box gently, closing the lid on top.

He knew exactly what his next step was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this chapter ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, but ill hopefully have the next chapter out within the next few weeks


End file.
